Trying to love someone instead of yourself?

If, as a child, you had to learn to meet your parents’ needs in order to get their attention and earn their love, you might find yourself as an adult trying to love someone instead of yourself.

Self-abandonment in this way is a very common issue. You may not feel safe enough to receive unconditional love and care because you didn’t experience it from your parents, so you unconsciously push it away — even though you naturally long for it.

You’re always the giver and rarely on the receiving end, right?

Because that’s what feels familiar and safe.

You might find yourself stuck in anger, hurt, sadness, loneliness, avoidance, or anxiety, because you push down your needs. Maybe you don’t even know that it’s okay to need — to experience love and connection. You try to fill that hole with other things to cope with the pain and emptiness: food, drugs, alcohol, Netflix, shopping, sports, work, porn, sex, spirituality and so on.

You need to access that unconscious unmet need and missing experience with your parents from childhood, that’s driving your self-abandonment.

If you look at your parents in your mind’s eye and say, “I don’t need anything from them,” or “It’s okay to need their love and connection,” or “I can tell them I need love and connection”, and your body disagrees — it’s probably buried.

You can also ask the response: “What does it mean about me?” or “What would it say if it had a voice?” Write it out and see what emerges.

Or say, “I’m not angry or hurt that they don’t love me fully,” and notice the inner disagreement. If the emotions don’t come up, but instead you feel shut down, contracted, numb, or distracted, that’s a sign of repressed emotions stuck behind unmet needs.

What is it that you really missed from your parents as a child? What is the emotion or part of yourself that you wish you could have shared with them, but couldn’t? Maybe you don’t know because you buried it deep so you wouldn’t have to feel the pain — and that’s okay.

Emotional repression work can help you reconnect with the natural flow of emotions and needs such as love, connection, safety, and care — both within yourself and in your relationships.

If that resonates, please share — maybe someone else needs to hear this.

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