Are you trying to be somebody else?

I tried to become somebody else for my mum — someone who was never angry, always strong, and didn’t need her love. I did it to comfort her, to carry the weight of her incapability and responsibility for her, just so I wouldn’t lose her… so I could still feel I belonged to her. She could slap me in the face and I swallowed my anger and fear. Over time, that’s how post-traumatic stress disorder and long-term anxiety took root in my body — by denying my anger and fear again and again.

I tried to become somebody else for my dad too — someone who never showed hurt or tears while being blamed and punished simply for existing. I did it to keep him there, to not lose him, to keep some kind of masculine energy around so I could feel even a little bit safe. I always felt that the moment I showed my sadness or tears when he called me a fucking idiot, he would walk away. That’s how I developed colitis and fell into nearly a decade of benzodiazepine and alcohol addiction — by holding all that hurt and sadness inside.

As little kids we learn to become somebody else for others instead of showing our real emotions in the moment — just to keep them close or keep them away, so we don’t have to feel loss again. We protect ourselves from feeling exposed, helpless, or vulnerable to the painful reactions we received as kids.

We give up parts of ourselves to avoid that terrifying sense of losing control. But at what cost? We traumatize our body and nervous system every day by unconsciously pushing those emotions down and holding back ourselves. How long can we endure that kind of self-harm?

Are you losing yourself too by trying to be somebody else for others,

just to keep them close or at a distance?

Who are you trying to be for them? Name it. Just say it.

And why? What do you get from it? Just be honest.

Do you feel more loved or important by being that version of yourself?

Do you receive more attention or praise? 

Does receiving those make you feel safer — or more restless and unsettled?

How does it really feel in your body, deep down?

Don’t judge yourself for that. See the little 'child-self' behind it all, and stay compassionate and loving with yourself if you can. If you want to learn how to process the trauma of pushing down your emotions, and how to trust them — and your body — again; to express yourself from self-love and inner attunement, and to experience real warmth and safety in your body — and from there build strong, trustworthy relationships from the inside out — I’m on your side...

...feel free to book a free discovery call for a friendly chat: SerenaSenteshi.com

Or send this letter to someone who needs to hear it. There is a way out of the stuckness and unhappiness.

If you have any questions or would like to share what came up for you, just click reply.