Are you pushing or pulling when relationship feels unsafe?

The other day, I was upset about something and spiraling in my thoughts about how I could have handled a certain situation with someone better, when my friend said to me: “I love you as you are, just for being here — not because of what you do or say that makes you worthy of it. And I understand that you don’t fully trust that because of your past.”

Hearing that — and noticing the shutdown I felt in response to her unconditional love and acceptance in such an emotionally charged moment — was a clear reflection of why I still struggle sometimes to trust myself when I feel and express love, affection, or the need for closeness. All because of those unmet childhood needs.

The thing is, we often get stuck in what we call anxious or avoidant attachment styles — wanting to pull others close or push them away when we feel unsafe in a relationship — because we don’t know how to protect ourselves from the hurt of the past.

(Click on the image for my free attachment style test.)

When, as children, we expressed our need for love, affection, acceptance, or closeness to our parents or primary caregivers but were met with rejection, humiliation, abandonment, silence, or abuse, we learned that our innate human needs meant being exposed — and powerless against their reaction.

The good news is: it’s resolvable. And I’m going to tell you what’s at the core of it.

At first, I planned to write a journal about it, but this time I just couldn’t make myself sit down and write. I felt more pulled to turn on the camera and talk about it instead.

In the video above, I give a full map of avoidant and anxious attachment styles — what’s at the root of them, and what actually generates the feelings of unsafety and conflict in relationships. So I suggest watching it from start to finish.

I’m also giving away my free attachment style test — the same one I use with my mentees — which can help you uncover and understand your attachment style, your reactions to people and conflict.

If you have any questions or would like to share what came up for you, just click reply.

Feel free to book a free meet-and-greet call or click here to explore more.