Conversation with the nervous system II.

(Aka anxiety, fear, etc.)

Can you just hold space for me?

Without trying to fix or analyze me.

Can we just share some silence?

I just want to feel connected.

I know you struggle with this, but… can we practice it sometimes?

Because I can’t speak or share while I feel you’re trying to fix me or make sense of me. It’s overwhelming. I feel disconnected and frustrated when you do that.

Do you think I don’t notice that you just want to get rid of me or change me by doing that?

It means we’re both afraid… right?

You know, I have to get used to resting—I mean, the sense of safety. That I am safe here and now.

I can feel that. I’m starting to trust this sense of safety more and more.

And—keep this between us for now—but I love it. It’s so fucking comfortable. I love it in all my cells. It’s so delicious. I love spending more and more time there.

It brings sweet forgetting.

But I still have to get used to this.

Because in the past, whenever I felt this kind of safety—this presence—something always came. They hurt me, attacked me, blamed me, or punished me.

So after a while, I started to believe it was about me. Like whenever I felt safe and present, something bad was going to happen.

Now I know that’s not true—that it wasn’t because of me or presence, but because of them—but still… I need time to understand this more deeply, to really settle into this new (yet natural) reality…

…that it’s SAFE TO BE.

You don’t have to push me or force me with inquiry.

If you just allow me to be as I am—and you keep learning to connect with me like you are now—I’ll start to speak on my own and inquiry will flow beautifully from there.

The more you give me rest, attention, and space, the more I’ll show you what makes me restless. Then you can bring your inquiry and skills. Thanks for that, by the way—I couldn’t figure it all out by myself.

You know… the past… I still remember… but it’s less and less now. Thanks to ‘your inquiry’.

And please—one more thing—don’t call me a “safety program.”

You can if you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m fucking hurt and I need time.

You get that, right? That’s where we connect—I can feel that.

So instead… why don’t we just stay with this—staying connected?

That’s what I love the most anyway.

And I know you love that too.

Do you feel that sense of “I’ve arrived”?

That’s the best. It holds everything.

When I feel this, everything is here.

And I’m at peace.