Zen and Non-Duality in My Life
Usually, three main reasons drive people to click on this page.
1. The first is simple curiosity — they don’t know what Zen or Non-duality means and just want information.
2. The second is a deeper curiosity about something new that might give them what they feel is missing — presence, stability, peace, and so on.
3. And the third is that they already know what these terms point to and are hoping for a shortcut — believing it might be possible to become painless, free, happy, and fulfilled without facing the pain and stored-up emotional material in the body. In other words, bypassing the human-level integration and growth.
4. They’ve already tried these practices and experienced awakening to presence, but they’re still suffering (they might be pissed off) — and they want to see why I’m writing about it and what I have to say.
I had all three of these motivations when I started my journey with Non-dual self-realization, meditation, and Zen presence practices. Let me share my story of “spiritual” awakening so you’ll understand why.
1. What is spiritual awakening & where did it start? Let’s start with the first one, because it’s the shortest — I had zero information or knowledge about spirituality, awakening, non-duality (Advaita), or Zen before I began waking up to my natural sense of being and oneness at the age of 18. (It’s all the same thing, by the way.) Although this experience had been with me since early childhood, (as I already shared about it in the 'About Me' sectoin), growing up in a violent, tense, and restrictive environment didn’t allow it to unfold — and I couldn’t make sense of it in my mind. As a little child, I loved the life force and feeling it consciously in my body. The best way I can describe it now, as an adult, is the “felt sense of presence.” I remember often sitting down with the intention of just feeling it — of course, I didn’t have the words for it back then. I just loved that tingly sensation under my skin and within me. I would look out from behind my eyes at others and at everything happening around me, and I felt that same tingly presence in it all — as if everything was connected by this gentle life force. I’m sure you can remember something similar, too. And I had no spiritual environment or gentle people around me — this experience was completely inner, coming from within. But this experience of deep presence gradually faded due to the suffering (aka trauma) and disconnection I went through. The environment and the people around me didn’t support this most natural way of being — this sense of recognition. So, slowly, I became trapped in my head and started seeing life and people from a place of separation — separated from my own life force, body, and emotions. Life didn’t feel so tingly anymore, if you know what I mean.
2. How did it come back into my life? Let’s go back to the very beginning. Of course, something that had felt completely natural in childhood started to fade over time — and as an adult, I began to miss it. Since my environment didn’t support staying connected to my natural beingness, that sense of presence started to return when I had more space, only after I left the tense household I grew up in, at the age of 18. There was no idealized, hyper-spiritual “perfect timing” orchestrated by the universe for me to awaken in some higher dimension (haha). It was much more grounded and simple. As I moved away from the conditioned environment, my body naturally began to remember. It started to return to its original state of presence and lightness. I clearly remember the first time it fully came back. I was standing on the subway — like every morning, on my way to work — and suddenly, from one moment to the next, all my suffering disappeared. My body and head felt light. Literally, everything felt physically lighter. I saw light everywhere and felt that same tingly sensation in my body again. I didn’t know what was happening. It was so sudden and unusual that I looked around to see if anyone else noticed something — because it genuinely felt like the world and the people around me had changed. But no one reacted to my surprised face; they just kept reading their books, talking, drinking their coffee, as usual. These experiences started to happen more and more. I remember wondering if something was wrong with me — because no one ever talked about this kind of thing. And yet, deep down, I knew it was the most natural experience. But by that time, a lot of unprocessed trauma and self-repression had already been stored in my body and mind, buried deep in the unconscious. It left me frustrated, unable to be fully myself. That rediscovered lightness couldn’t simply erase the past — the programming and pain were already deeply embedded. Still, not knowing what was happening led to everything unfolding in its own perfect timing. One day, someone I didn’t even know handed me an MP3 player and said, “Just listen to this,” then walked away. I was surprised, but something about it felt just right. I sat down on a bench in the park near IKEA, rested my eyes on a tree, put in the earphones, and pressed play. It was the audiobook of The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Listening to it felt like such a relief. He gave me words and answers for what I was experiencing — why everything was starting to feel alive, connected, and light again from the inside, and why suffering was still present. It gave me a deeper understanding of the mind-body connection, human suffering, and conditioning — and helped me continue my journey with a new sense of clarity.
3. How did I sabotage my own healing with awakening? As I mentioned earlier, the contrast between lightness of presence and connectedness (we could call it love) and the suffering in my body and psyche was sharp and very pronounced. Whenever I felt lighter, I wanted to stay in that lightness — to stabilize it and move away from the pain. Looking back, I’d say I became addicted to the lightness in an attempt to erase (or rather, push down) the pain. Naturally, I attracted spiritual and non-dual teachers who reinforced this tendency. “Just focus on awareness and oneness — everything else will follow.” “This recognition will erase all your suffering.” “Just observe the identity with its thoughts and feelings, and know it’s not who you truly are.” And so on… All that Advaita bullshit — which I used to create more and more separation between myself and my pain. Between presence (which is still me) and my body. I kept pushing down the pain, believing it didn’t belong, and in doing so, I created a deeper and deeper split between my body and mind. Man, it was painful. Torturous, even. But I kept following that path for years, trying to end my suffering — not realizing that I was bypassing the very thing that needed to be seen, felt, and integrated (the pain). I was abusing myself daily through these teachings. That’s why I say there’s a lot of abuse in the spiritual and esoteric field — not always intentional, but very real — because many teachers simply don’t know how to authentically and skillfully guide people into the unconsciuos pain and trauma held in the body. They don’t know how to help reverse the unconscious emotional self-repression that’s been operating since childhood (for all of us). They lack somatic tools, trauma-informed context, and the lived experience needed to support people in using the capacity they’ve found through presence — and bringing that capacity into the unconscious pain in order to fully meet it and reverse it.
4. How did I stop sabotaging my healing and integrity? Luckily, I got fed up with this bypassing and “off-road” approach within a quick decade (haha). It became painfully clear that I needed something that could actually support trauma (aka emotional repression) processing and integration — because all the issues that presence recognition alone couldn’t resolve were only getting worse: chronic physical pain, migraines, anxiety, exhaustion, attention deficits, financial struggles, deep relationship issues, lack of fulfillment, disconnection from life purpose, addictions, nervous system breakdowns, and more. Suicidal ideation and addiction to drugs and alcohol came back stronger than ever — just like in my adolescence. In other words, I was trying to cope with and ease the pain… but I couldn’t anymore. And the thing is, I didn’t even know I had complex trauma — because most of my childhood slipped into the unconscious — I had little to no memory of it.. I guess living with suffering had just become normal. I explored various somatic and therapeutic modalities for a few years. They gave me a lot of insight (and certifications haha), but ultimately only offered temporary relief. It always felt like I was just scratching the surface. So when I was trying my absolute best and still suffering so deeply, I seriously considered ending my life. That’s when I found KI (The Kiloby Inquiries), at the age of 34. It worked immediately. It went straight to the root. I began learning how to meet and process unconsciuos trauma — or more precisely, the inability to feel — in my body, and things started to shift quickly. It wasn’t easy. There was a lot of stored trauma in my system, and for a while, it was intense. But it was undeniably working. Everything started to get better — fast. For the first time, I felt I had the right tools in my hands. I could finally reach the root of my pain and suffering, and deep, continuous shifts began to unfold. I also quickly built a personal and professional relationship with Scott, who developed the method. Together with our small team — just the four of us — we completed and refined what is now known as the KI® Emotional Repression work. That part was absolutely groundbreaking. Through this, my chronic pain gradually disappeared. The anxiety and exhaustion lifted. The breakdowns stopped. Trust and intimacy returned — with the right people. I found my path, my purpose. I began to live in wealth and abundance — but more importantly, I started to feel like I was fully living my life, in alignment with who I truly am. From the inside out. Just like it was back then — as a child. Eventually, it became easier — and safer — to rest in my body again. What once used to freak me out now felt like home. I could sit in nature, enjoy being in my body, and truly sense things from the inside out. Through somatic integration and reversing unconscious repression, this state became natural again — not something I had to force through recognition or by trying to “be present” on top of the heaviness. And from here… well, you know me. You’ve probably seen me openly share my background, my traumas, and the tools that helped me integrate and dissolve pain in loving presence. Yes, I think that’s the key — using the recognized felt sense of presence to connect with the wisdom held in the body’s pain, and through that connection, begin to reverse it and return to our original, natural state of being. This is why my motto is: “What you find inside transforms everything outside.” I wish the same for you. The sooner the better. :)
