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Suffering on Repeat: 'I Have to Hurt Myself'

I used to be so unconsciously and deeply addicted to suffering and hurting myself that I could never have imagined the freedom, completeness, love, integration, and empowerment I feel more and more within my being since I started KI Somatic Processing. Being an unwanted child, the strongest belief I internalized about myself from a very early age was: "I shouldn't exist." Because the people around me hurt me a lot, this belief was accompanied by another core belief: "I have to be hurt."

Because I deeply identified with this feeling of deficiency, after a while, that was the only thing I could feel: the sense of not existing, being nothing, unworthy. It went so deep that I couldn't trust my feelings anymore—feelings like anger, hurt, fear, or my own power, intuition, or happiness about things and people. I did it unconsciously in order to stay safe and be taken care of by my parents. IT WAS SAFER TO BELIEVE "I SHOULDN'T EXIST" THAN TO TRUST MY FEELINGS. To put it simply, that's how the programming sounded in my system: "I don't have the right to say anything or be angry (about how they hurt me), because they don't want me and I shouldn't be here. And if I express my anger, they'll send me away, and I'm afraid I can't survive on my own."

This unconscious survival fear was so strong in my system that it was running my life and actions continuously. TO AVOID THAT FEAR, I DEVELOPED STRONG ADDICTIONS—addictions to benzodiazepines, drugs, alcohol, tobacco, sex, and harmful relationships—from age 14. I was trying to escape the fear by reinforcing the story and the identification with the feeling of "I shouldn't exist and I have to be hurt". Every time I took a pill, drank to numb myself, or engaged in harmful relationships, this unconscious command was running in my system: "I HAVE TO ANNIHILATE AND HURT MYSELF." It was suffering on repeat, so to speak.

This became the underlying message in my romantic relationships and deeper connections as well: "If you want to connect with me, you have to hurt me and treat me as if I'm nothing." I lived in this unconscious bubble of self-hurt and self-annihilation for almost three and a half decades, unable to see anything outside this bubble; I was inside it all the time. In other words, I COULDN'T SEE BEYOND THE INTERNALIZED RELATIONSHIP PATTERN WITH MY MUM AND DAD.

Until the KI repression inquiries came into my life, helping me deal with this strong and painful energetic emotional self-repression. I no longer wanted just compassion, love, and understanding for this suffering identity—I had pursued many modalities, therapies, and spiritual practices to achieve that for 15 years. Embracing and fully bringing it into the light of my present awareness, and dissolving the bubble of suffering by going to the root of it with skillful repression inquiries repeatedly, liberated me.

What would you want for yourself, (or even for a loved one), if you could choose? To have only compassion and understanding for your pain within your suffering bubble, or to pop the balloon and become fully free of that suffering?

As my friend Ina says, "This work starts where all other modalities end," and I totally agree. That's why we created the mentorship course for those who want to learn this work and step on the path of Natural Recovery from Suffering—TO END SUFFERING.

The path is challenging and surprising at times, and the freedom (from suffering) can be scary until we get used to it. But if you are curious about this dimension of life, feel free to explore and book a clarity call with me to chat a little bit about it. Much love, Serena


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