I felt compelled to share a bit about my process. Yesterday, I was watching the new movie Road House. There's a scene where someone asks the main character, an ex-UFC fighter, why he enjoys fighting or if he ever wins. The character responds, 'No one ever wins a fight.' That statement struck a chord with me. It made me reflect on all the contentious moments with my mother and the conditioning and programming I've developed as a result. Those moments and the programming just flashed before my eyes when I heard that sentence. It was a powerful moment of realization, providing me with deep clarity and understanding, and it opened me up emotionally. (By the way, that's one of the reasons I enjoy watching movies and series—they always inspire and fuel my personal growth.)
I don't know how it is in your experience, but I could never open up emotionally during a fight, amidst rage and anger. I always experienced fighting in an abusive and violent way as a child, so I guess that's the reason why. 𝐈𝐭'𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐯𝐮𝐥𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟-𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐝𝐞. Of course, after working a lot on my anger repression, I now also experience what a 'healthy fight' is. I can express my anger without being abusive or afraid that I'll become abusive.
Anyway, when I heard the sentence 'No one ever wins a fight,' I felt the repression surrounding my anger. This feeling was particularly pronounced with my mum, who was a very dominant, violent, and controlling person in my life during childhood. She was a really unpleasant person... I could never truly express my anger to her because I was always afraid of her reaction (and my own). What did I feel when I got angry with her? It was what she expected from me; the energetic message was so obvious that I internalized it to protect myself:
"𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐡𝐮𝐭 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫(because I don't want to get hurt by her again)."
"𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐚𝐟𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 (because I'm afraid of feeling ashamed and humiliated again)."
"𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐯𝐞 that what she's doing (hurting me) is bad." (Covert expression of anger because it wasn't safe to express it openly and directly.)
That's how the programming of repression in my body manifests if I were to articulate it…
Especially the shutdown and fear around anger have been strong protectors. Becoming aware of the fear and shutdown also opens me up. By the way, 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐭𝐨𝐮𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬. Meeting the trauma, those dark corners within my being...
𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧, 𝐦𝐮𝐦 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐡𝐮𝐭 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫, 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐢𝐭, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐚𝐟𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 (𝐦𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫). 𝐒𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐫 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐦𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐚𝐟𝐞 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐞. 𝐈 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐲 𝐬𝐚𝐟𝐞.
Working a lot on anger and power repression, and as a result, being able to feel and express more vulnerability and connection within myself and with others, I can now see how much I was stuck in that fight with my mum—𝐟𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 (𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲, 𝐭𝐨𝐨) 𝐈 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞. We never truly had a relationship; we were never connected. This relationship never really existed; she just wasn't able to give it to me. And because I never saw that, due to the unconscious identification with the rageful fight, 𝐈 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐝𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬, 𝐠𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐟, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐳𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩.
I was unconsciously bypassing these vulnerable layers by repressing anger and 𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐛𝐲 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧. (It might sound complex, but it feels very simple when I feel into it in my body.)
I was strongly and stubbornly resisting facing these vulnerable layers beneath the anger, but ultimately, they were very regulating. 𝐁𝐲 𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐥𝐞𝐝𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦, 𝐈 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧, 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐦𝐲 𝐦𝐮𝐦. Loving her, of course, brought up an even deeper hurt, grief, and a letting go of the story, the relationship, and my expectations.
(By the way, it's funny how reversing emotional self-repression brings about all the love, inner connectedness, oneness, presence, and peace I had been seeking in spirituality and relationships. Somatic processing and reversing emotional repression have been more enlightening for me than any spiritual practice ever has.)
And of course, clearing up all this conditioning and trauma in the body-mind has brought in the missing experience—𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐞𝐭 𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞. 𝐈𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐜𝐚𝐬𝐞, 𝐢𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞:
I love you, mum. But don't ever come close to or touch me again.
P.S.: Yes, the movie was so good, packed with adrenaline and testosterone. I definitely felt empowered after watching it.
Much love,
Serena
